6 Months Old

Hi.  It's been a while.

The past six months have been so full...  Of happiness and sadness, joy and pain.  Lots of conflicting emotions really.  There are some days where I didn't know how I was going to keep it together and days where I just didn't.

The happiness and joy are my favorite...  I'm amazed at her every day.  The new things she does, especially when they are on track with her age, blow my mind.  I worry frequently that she'll be behind but she keeps forging ahead like the little rock star she is.

She's the happiest baby when she wakes up in the morning that I can't help but wake up cheerful too.  And she sleeps in so sometimes I have to just wake her up to see that smile.  I know "they" say don't wake a sleeping baby, but sometimes I just have to if she's slept over 10 hours.

She rarely cries unless she's starving or uncomfortable... And I love hearing it.  I love the screams and shrieks and little noises she makes.  I don't remember much from her delivery but hearing her little cry when they first took her out sticks in my brain.  And after that, there wasn't much crying. She was just so small and had tubes all over her face.  I even have video of her first major cry session in the hospital because it was so amazing and startlingly new.

I feel so blessed every day and sad sometimes too, because I can't remember a lot of her first days.  I'm sad because my body forced her to be born too early...  And there is guilt there.  A lot, but I try to get over it.  Some days it's easier.  Some days it's really hard. I actually found a nice support group on facebook of mothers of preemies and it helps knowing I'm not alone.  Not that I am, but unless you've gone through it, you just can not grasp the situation and feelings that come with it.

My first time touching her. I feel like I remember doing this, but I'm not sure.

She keeps getting so big too. I look at her often and just say "How did you get so big?!  Where was I!?"... And she smiles at me like she does and I know I'm going to have my hands full.  She's going to keep getting big and strong and determined and feisty.  And I love it.  I can't wait.  That's my biggest happiness and joy.

Happy Half Birthday, Lauren.  Mommy loves you.

xoxo,
Jenny